Resources · Feelings at home
Why big feelings often come out after school
It’s something I hear from parents again and again, often a little quietly. The teacher says their child had a lovely day. Then the front door closes, and the tears, the shouting or the shutting down begin. Many parents then ask me what they’re doing wrong.
If this is your family, here is what I’d want you to hear first: you’re not alone, and I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong.
One note on evidence: I haven’t found research that tests this after-school pattern directly. What follows is what I see in practice, and not a proven explanation.
What I see when I visit schools
Part of my work has been going into schools to see how children manage their day. It’s one thing to hear about a school day, and quite another to sit at the back of a classroom and watch one. There are rules to follow, a noisy room to keep up with, tricky moments with friends, and a lot of trying hard to do the right thing. Some children seem to keep their feelings in check through all of it.
Then they come home to you. When I talk this through with parents, one thing I wonder is whether home is simply where the day’s feelings finally have room. I can’t say that is true for every child, and a hard afternoon is not anyone’s fault.
Ideas I talk through with parents
These aren’t rules, and they won’t all suit your child. They are ideas from practice and not tested treatments. You know your child best, so take what fits.
- Keep the first few minutes quiet. A hug, a snack and a drink can come before any questions.
- Skip “How was your day?” for now. Many children find it easier to talk later, in the car, at bath time or at bedtime.
- Offer a gentle reset, such as a favourite spot, a soft blanket, some time outside or something to squeeze or climb.
- Keep after-school plans light when you can. Not every afternoon needs an activity.
- Plan the same small routine each day, so your child knows what comes next.
Talking about it later
Once your child is calm, you can name what you saw in a kind way: “It looked like today was a lot. I’m here.” You’re not looking for a reason or a lesson. You’re telling your child that big feelings are okay and that you can handle them together.
If you’re worried
Every child is different. If afternoons are very hard for your family, or you’re worried about how your child is feeling, it’s okay to ask for help. You can talk to your GP, your child’s teacher or an occupational therapist. You don’t need a diagnosis to get in touch with me.
This article is general information. It is not advice about your own child. Talk to your GP or another health professional about any health concern.